Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!

I love to read and a few weeks ago a friend of mine gave me a bag of books to look through.

“I read them all, so you can keep what you want,” she said.

Honestly, it was like Christmas morning! The start of the summer and a whole new bag of books to read. I could hear the beach calling my name. Among the mystery murder novels and cheesy romance books was one by comedian Steve Harvey called “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” I laughed out loud at the title and began to page through the book. It looked like an “easy-read” so I started scanning the chapters.

The book started out with “What Drives Men” a section where Harvey explains, first things first… immediately upon meeting women, almost all men, are plotting on how to get in your pants! “They can’t help it,” he says, because they naturally think about sex way too many times in one day.

Now, I’m usually cautious to make generalizations about gender… that stuff pisses people off. But, as you can imagine, I was intrigued and kept reading. Another section that jumped out at me was called “The 90 Day Rule,” where he compares sex in relationships to medical benefits. This is what spurred this blog…

You see, I started a new job in May and it wasn’t until July that I became privy to the paperwork of the oh-so coveted medical benefits. That first month and a half was the probationary period. The time frame where the company takes time to figure out if I’m a good fit for them. They aren’t going to extend me the ultimate benefits of the job until they are sure I’m the right person for the job.

Steve Harvey says that we women should practice the "90 Day Rule." Hold off on the “benefits” and make sure they are the right person. While all you men reading this are groaning at this suggestion, let’s face it, it’s an interesting and logical concept.

You see, people always get jumpy when you talk about S-E-X. Its private, its personal and so it’s best to shhhh and keep it to ourselves. Right? WRONG! I think that this topic is something that should be talked about whether you’re having “it” or not, especially for our 20something generation.

Now I’m not talking any intimate details here. I’m not one to kiss and tell, so keep all that stuff to yourselves. (Sorry if this disappoints you). What I think needs to be talked is the answer to that age old question, “When do we have ‘it’?”

Any girl who has asked this question to a friend, sister, parent, cousin, aunt or co-worker (after the shpeal on babies, responsibility and safety) get’s the same cryptic answer “When you’re ready.”

This is where the confusion comes in! The “READY” feeling is the piece of the puzzle that is easily swayed, even in our 20something years.

A very good friend of mine, whom I hope is not upset that I’m using this story in a blog, (remember this is for a greater good), met someone who she believed was a “great guy.” They exchanged numbers, talked for a while and he asked her to “hang out” one night at his place to watch a movie. It was date #1, she went over and they ignored whatever was happening on the television screen. One thing quickly lead to another and she slept with him on the first date. Whoops!

Okay so not the ideal romantic situation, but there are no rules to dating. Unfortunately, the “dating” only lasted four more encounters. After that night he called her again later that week and they had a repeat performance. I think dinner may have been involved in date #2, but I don’t recall. Anyhow, after the 3rd date he stopped calling her completely.

This is when she started calling me! “Do you think it was too soon?” “Should I call him?” yadda, yadda, yadda. You know that stream of questions that your friends sound off when they are in a quasi-desperate frantic state. *Side note, its usually best to listen and try you’re hardest not to judge… people don’t like to be kicked when their down.

Anyhow I suggested that if it would make her feel better, she could try calling him. She text him instead, (not anything that was “stage 5 clinger” status), but just made some effort to reach out to him. He ignored her text. Her frantic state returned and so did all the calls to my cell phone where she proceeded to question herself and her choices.

After about a month of this, right when she was starting to get over it… he called her and asked her to go out. Sometimes I swear you men have a supersonic sense, you can feel it in the air when we are about to be officially over you and you swoop back in. That’s what this guy did anyway. He gave her some bullshit line about him being busy with work, yadda yadda yadda.

Now my friend is a smart cookie, so she didn’t believe for an entire month he was too busy to respond to a text. (DUH) What did he think she was an idiot?

Well he probably didn’t think that, but he knew minimal effort with a minimal excuse would work. Why wouldn’t it? It’s the only effort he’s put into their “relationship” thus far and she’s accepted it before. Case-in-point… he was right and against my best “you can do better” pep talk, she agreed to meet him for dinner anyway.

She called me the following week crying. She informed me that after that dinner—date #4—she had sex with him again and he stayed the night at her apartment. Now, it had been a week and he hasn’t called.

Well, I hate to say that my friend was a booty call… That word is so unorthodox and crass. We’re not 18 anymore. We are 20somethings, sophisticated (so we think) mature (so we think) and way too old to be throwing around phrases like that… but if the shoe fits right? *Side note if you think that maybe you’re friend is “The Booty Call” tread lightly when breaking this news!

I gently asked my friend why she decided to sleep with him again, knowing that he was being so flaky before.
She claimed, 

“I don’t know, I just thought… {long pause}” she said nothing.

Now, I didn’t want to scold her, I’m not her mother or a relationship authority (that’s for damn sure) so I sat quiet and waited for her to continue.

“Well I don’t’ care, it’s not the sex that matters, I don’t regret it, I have needs too,” she said in the most convincing tone she could conjure up.

Maybe my friend has watched too many Sex and the City episodes, but her Samatha-esk no-strings-attached attitude didn’t fool me for a second. I truly believe that my friend was trying to convince herself that her decision was okay, even though she herself was not okay with it. She’s trying to be casual when she was seriously hurting.

I am not going to try and put a timeline on WHEN it’s “okay” to have sex in a relationship. But this I do know—brace yourselves now… I’m going to follow Steve Harvey’s lead and make a generalization here, which almost always pisses people off, but here goes anyway…

  • Women TEND to equate sex with love, commitment and attachment. Whereas, Men TEND to equate sex with sex. (For men sometimes it’s possibly will be more; commitment, attachment, companionship, but I don’t believe they are thinking about their relationship status as they are removing their clothing.)

So, maybe my friend can have sex and have it be just sex. But I saw how hurt she was. I saw the sadness in her eyes and heard the heaviness of her tone. She was extremely disappointed, discouraged, let down and rejected. I acknowledge that she may have felt this way, sex or not, but I can’t help but wonder… Was her “ready feeling” to go ahead and have sex with him a desperate attempt to push the relationship along? Give him what he wants (SEX), so she can get what she wants (RELATIONSHIP)?

I think my friend tried to cover-up her feelings of attachment by saying she didn’t care, but she did. She said she didn’t want strings attached, or a commitment, and yet she moped around her apartment after he failed to contact her.

So the next question presents itself—Why do we women feel like we have to pretend that we are “okay” with a casual relationship, if we’re not? More importantly why are women consenting to having sex when really they are only using sex to convince the man they should be in relationship?

This I do know. I f a man is not ready to be in a relationship, then that’s that! There is no swaying or convincing. They are not ready, end of story.

If a guy tells you this up front, appreciate his honesty, because he's a rare gem ladies! Sadly though, most guys will not tell you this. Not because they are bad people, but because they are not thinking long term relationship or bringing you home to meet their mom during sex… Believe it or not, during sex, they are thinking about one thing… S-E-X!

Hey, I’m not Dr. Phil… but I believe that women should stop trying to pretend they are “okay” with casual sex if they’re not. Newsflash…if you’re going to be attached, disappointed or feel rejected afterward… you’re NOT CAUSAL, so stop pretending! You’re not fooling anyone—Not even yourself.

Finally, instead of looking to use sex as a catalyst for a relationship, try being honest with yourself and evaluating why you make the choices you do. If you’re casual and you just want to be casual—then that’s your business. But don’t try to “trick” guys into a relationship by giving them the benefits right away and then expecting a commitment.

Sorry to break it to you, but guys are too smart for that! Plus, I think it takes guys much longer to get attached… and I really don’t think one great night will do it.

Besides, I don’t think there should be any swaying or tricking in a relationship. If you feel like you need to use sex to push things along… stop pushing. Do you really want to be with someone you have to “convince”? That is not the stuff romance is made of!


It is common knowledge that when a man asks a woman out on a date, no matter how much that date costs, the women does NOT owe him anything in respect to sex. It’s just dinner and a movie for goodness sake! So why is it so hard for people to comprehend that sex does NOT equal a relationship? Women don’t owe sex after a date and Men don’t owe a relationship after sex either! So tread lightly.

Hey, maybe try out the probationary period idea and stop giving it up right away! Most respectable jobs make you wait for health care benefits… So if you want to remain respectable in his eyes…try waiting it out, give it time, decide if you even like each other enough to invest.


“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions”-Woody Allen

Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important. -Carl Reiner


  1. Lana,
    What an insightful piece. I believe that when women give it up so soon, they leave men with nothing to look forward to. Like you, I think the timing of sex is not a black and white issue..probably one of the grayest issues.

    As guys, we often have a very constricted list of issues we use to decide if we will have a relationship or not..I am talking about just 2 or 3 COMPULSORY/REQUIRED factors and several ELECTIVE bonus factors of which sex is one. Worse, these factors are typically not what women would guess.

    Men do not tell women they are not ready for a relationship because women do not ask..and so why not go with the flow? Lastly, most guys know that once you have had sex with a woman, if you play your cards well (no matter how dumb your excuse for your disappearing act is), you are more likely to get the sex especially AS LONG AS SHE IS NOT SEEING SOMEONE and that only becomes significant if she cares for the new dude!


  2. I am one of those who heard the stories over and over, never believing but wanting them to be the truth so badly it hurt. There is no attraction to being the one sitting home alone waiting for a call that does not come. Who wants to look like a fool because we (and everyone else around us) know we are being taken? We engage in behavior we know is will only hurt us in the end? To give something up that is so precious to guys who only want one thing and that is not usually a relationship. What's most bizarre is that we keep going back for more when we know in our hearts we are just that "Booty Call". The problem is that it is just having “SEX” not making “LOVE” and therefore we reap what we sow when we give it up so easily.

    Why don’t we adhere to that probationary period? Are we afraid that if we don’t sleep with the guy we may miss out on the “One”? Or maybe, if I keep going back over and over he may eventually want me? We all know guys just don’t work that way. A few compliments, a little attention and we are hooked. We follow him around like a begging puppy and jump to HIS terms until he has no use for us. We only have ourselves to blame. Most of the time we don't even ask what he looking for or what are his intentions. We assume he wants us!

    We should all learn that if someone is really interested he won’t need the “SEX” on the first night or first 90 days for that matter. If he is thinks we are special he will pursue us. He will never be "too busy". Neither our looks nor skills in the sheets will be the determining factor of a long term relationship. Most of all it may even spare a few tears and heartache in the end.

  3. giving it up too early is usually a big mistake that ends with either no relationship, or one that doesn't become very deep.

  4. Thanks! I'm glad people agree and that this sparked such insightful comments. :) Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts!


  5. As stated previously, sex is sex. As a 66 year old male, i remember every second of hundreds of occasions with a friend in 1970. Never goes away. Never will. male sex is sex is sex is sex..............

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